Oh My… The Football World is on Drugs, Folks – The Professional Foul Report

There was no league play this week as players were out on international duty.  However, all the usual doughheads seemed to have extra time to speak to the media, so we were able to gather some real golden nuggets for you.  I swear, sometimes I think the whole football world is on drugs.

The munchies – Manchester City’s highest paid benchwarmer, Carlos Tevez,  has confessed that a bout of depression led to him binge eating which forced him into a clinic this summer.  Well, I can see how not getting your way (wanting away from Manchester) and missing penalties in major competitions (Copa America) can make someone a little sad.

He told the media, “I’m not the shit that they say I am.  I had a personal crisis this summer. I put on five or six kilos and had to check into a clinic. I was depressed and so I ate and ate.  People can criticise me if I don’t play well, but they can’t say ‘He missed a penalty so the coach would be sacked.’ It’s the bad feeling towards me that I can’t stand.”

Now I’m not a psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like he’s suffering from paranoia and delusions of grandeur.  Seriously, if he thinks only some people have bad feelings toward him…

Alternate consciousness – According to the Spanish media, Manchester City offered Barcelona a cool 50 million euros plus Mario Balotteli for Lionel Messi.

Wait… what?  50 million for a guy whose buy-out clause is five times that amount?  No, sorry, it’s 50 million plus Mario Balotteli.  Mario freaking Balotteli.  Wow.  If City management aren’t on drugs, I don’t know who is.

Pushed out of his territory – Raul Meireles is upset because he thinks the folks over at Liverpool think he is a Judas for leaving the reds and joining Chelsea on the last day of the transfer window.

Come on… clearly he’s not leaving for money!  Let’s see it on paper, shall we?  Charlie Adam, Jordan Henderson, Stewart Downing, Lucas, Maxi Rodrigues and Steven Gerrard.

Raul wasn’t brought to the club by gang boss Kenny Dalglish, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that as new young Bloods came in, he switched sides to the Crips.

His tats say “gangsta”, but his haircuts scream “crackhead”.

Pills – Kolo Toure, defender, Manchester City.  The 30-year-old is now available for selection again after serving a six-month ban for taking water tablets, packaged as diet pills, which contained a banned substance.

Then why did he take them?!?  Anyways, the withdrawal symptoms kicked in and he lashed out at the gunners:  “I’ve been in this league for almost 10 years now, being unbeatable with Arsenal, doing a lot of good games.  I just want to show them!”

That’s just mean, Kolo.  You’re mean, dude.

High – Mikel Arteta believes the chance to turn out at the “very highest level” was too good to turn down and he feels the right decision was taken for all concerned.  Yes, he said “very highest level” when referring to Arsenal; the team that has one point from three matches and just took an 8 goal beating from Manchester United.

When you are high, your view of the world is distorted.  For instance, he is excited that will be playing Champions League football this year.  I guess he is right; Arsenal get to play six matches before they’re summarily dispatched. 

And then the hilarity ensued.

“Spain are winning absolutely everything and the way they play is fantastic, and I want to be a part of it.”

Oh, Mikel, Mikel, Mikel… they are fantastic because they have fantastic players.  Look on the brightside: maybe they’ll have a charity day where they let some normal people wear the national team jersey, and then you will get what you want!

Tune in next week for another edition of the Professional Foul Report.

The Professional Foul Report is a weekly publication where some of the more outrageous events of the weekend are discussed.  Typically, these are bonehead-type actions by players and managers, but which are essential for us fans – without their doughheadedness, there surely would be less enjoyment by us, the fans.

Arsenal Woes… and Tevez Drama Continue – The Professional Foul Report

The third round of action in the English Premier League is history, and we’re here to record some of the lesser-documented facts for prosperity!  I know what you’re thinking… You’re welcome.

Kid’s Play – Arsene Wenger’s LEGO-like football project was stomped on by Mr. Alex Ferguson and his kids.  Like a spoiled little child, he threw a fit and refuses to move his broken pieces elsewhere. Poor guy… it almost broke my heart to watch his increasingly depressing reactions after United’s eight goals in their 8-2 loss.  No… it didn’t.  Although, to be fair to Wenger, he fielded a team that averaged only 23 years old!  Oh, right, so did Fergie.  But still, he wasn’t able to sign any good young English players because the talent pool in England is pathetic these days.  Wait, no, Ferguson found Cleverly, Smalling, Jones, Young, Welbeck… okay, that’s not it.  His elders have three full days to send Arsene home to his folks in France, find themselves someone with a different project, and somehow convince three or four good kids to come play with him.

PS – Gratuitous images of distraught gunner fans are for entertainment purposes only.

Last Guy Picked – It sucks being the last kid to get picked, doesn’t it?  I’m asking, ’cause I really don’t know, I was never that kid.  Apparently, neither was Carlos Tevez… until now.  Where did it all go wrong, Carlitos?  Was it the never-ending lust for more money?  The constant threats of leaving for greener pastures?  The insulting of half a city of people who pay your ridiculously overpriced salary (and another half a city who used to pay it?)  It doesn’t really matter how it happened – here we are.  Your team scored 5 goals without you.  Sure, it’s not as good as the 8-2 showing of the other team in town, but 5-1 is still a great result.  Face it, Carlos: the local kids got tired of your ball-hogging and generally uppity attitude, and they find the Bosnian exchange student and latin-new-kid-on-the-block way easier to play with than you.  Get used to it.  Then again, you could look on the brightside: you’re technically not the last kid to get picked… The Problem Child -Mario Balloteli -is.

Rag Doll – Drogba had been riding the pine in recent matches, and Vilas Boas decided to throw him a bone against the sorriest bunch in the league: Norwich.  AVB even took some of the attention away from Didier by pairing him with Fernando Torres – a guy who has all the eyes of the footballing world on him at all times, ’cause he can’t buy a goal.  When Torres scores, you don’t wanna miss it – it’s as rare an event as… Halley’s comet!  Anyway, this was the perfect match to get these two thirsty strikers back on track, but Drogba stunk somethin’ awful.  He looked every bit his age (and then some), missed passes, ran into defenders, fell down when challenged, turned the ball over basically every time he touched it… I don’t get it, maybe it was something he 8 – 2 be honest, the whole Chelsea team must have shared that meal.  Speaking of “stomach-churning”, after that miserable performance, he should be thanking his lucky stars for that memorable injury, because after seeing that knockout, no one will remember his dismal showing in this match.  Except for me, of course – again, you’re welcome.  Part of me thinks he faked that injury so he wouldn’t be substituted in disgrace.  Am I wrong to feel this way?  My doctor says it’s perfectly natural.

Bullying is Wrong – Come on, Fox!  Where do you find these jokers you call “announcers”?  I’m talking about Peter Drury and David Pleat.  Sure, you went and found a couple of Brits who probably know about the game more than their American counterparts, but boy did you reach in the bottom of the barrel!  During the Manchester United match against Arsenal (did I mention that match ended 8-2?), these two dipsticks got on De Gea’s case for allowing the first Arsenal goal.  Are you kidding me?!?  This kid saved a penalty kick on pretty much his first touch of the ball, then made two massive saves a mere four minutes later.  And these dingdongs still criticized him for letting that goal in!  If you actually followed the game of football, Peter, David, you’d know that 9 times out of 10, Arsenal wingers will cut the ball back to a waiting Van Persie in the heart of the box, for the easy finish.  As a matter of fact, RVP’s last two goals were scored in the way I just described (one against Benfica a couple of weeks ago, and then again against Udinese on Wednesday).  De Gea expected it (wisely), and got beat.  It happens.  But you know what?  Go read your interwebs articles about how United is taking a big gamble on this kid, and how he’s gonna fail, and then regurgitate it back to a “dumb American audience” ’cause they won’t know the difference.  Guess what?  We’re not as dumb as you think.  When are you going to stop picking on this kid?

Grounded – Boo hoo… poor Robin Van Persie is crying because his best pals Cesc and Samir moved away, and left him with no one to play with but a bunch of younger roudy, undisciplined kids.  That, and he has a girl’s first name.  Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Real Madrid or Inter Milan came in and swept him away in the next 3 days.  I guarantee you he’d take the money and run, I mean, come on… wouldn’t you?!?!  I’d H8-2 to be an Arsenal player right now. Then again, Arsenal are currently out of the relegation zone; the same can’t be said for Tottenham (yes, I know they have a game in hand – though how will they fair in the coming weeks with an injured Van der Vaart and a pouty Modric that is already a Chelsea player in his mind?)

Tune in next week for another edition of the Professional Foul Report.

The Professional Foul Report is a weekly publication where some of the more outrageous events of the weekend are discussed.  Typically, these are bonehead-type actions by players and managers, but which are essential for us fans – without their doughheadedness, there surely would be less enjoyment by us, the fans.

Joey Barton Moves to QPR – 10 Reasons Why This Transfer is the Summer’s Best

I like me an underdog, and QPR are my favorite scrappers in this season’s EPL.  Therefore, it is with great excitement and giddy anticipation that I await Joey Barton’s official announcement at the West London club.  Here are my 10 reasons why this is the summer’s best transfer:

10.  Joey Barton is good for business – his jerseys were among the best-sellers at Newcastle, and they will be even more popular with the West London crowd.  In a couple of years, he’ll be selling L.A. Galaxy jerseys by the truckload.  Movie roles will be pouring in; the man can act – just ask Gervinho, and he’ll tell you.  As his exposure grows, the MLS will become mainstream, and billions will be made.

9.  Joey Barton has a monumental human rights record – okay… it’s a record of breaking, encroaching and viciously curtailing other people’s human rights, but it’s a record nonetheless.  Records are good things.  Just ask Guinness, the book.  Also, Joey Barton loves Guinness, the beverage.

8.  Joey Barton is Arsenal’s kriptonite – the man single-handedly orchestrated the 4-4 comeback versus Arsenal last season by picking a fight with Abou Diaby and getting the poor bastard sent off with half the match to go; he did it to Arsenal again this season, by adjusting Gervinho’s collar for him.  Apparently, the Ivorian didn’t like it, so he went to the dressing room early to fix it himself, and without him, Arsenal couldn’t muster the win.  With this man in the line-up (no pun intended), QPR can count on at least two points from their Arsenal derby meetings this season. 

7.  Joey Barton keeps up with technology – there is no one, and I mean no one in the English Premier League that can tweet like this guy.  The man is a Twitter-deity!  Most of the messages he writes sound irresponsibly demented, but they are in fact, freakishly brilliant.  Regardless, the man has mastered the latest gadgetry, and that’s the kind of guy you want in the locker room when your ipod locks up on you.

6.  Joey Barton v 9.0 is actually new and improved – I’m serious, people!  I mean, come on, he hasn’t really committed any felonies since 2007!  And honestly, the last time he was really punished by the FA was in 2010.  For what, you ask?  For punching Morten Gamst Pedersen during a match.  This is the same guy that committed this monstrosity:

Joey B. should have been awarded a medal or commendation for that incident, not handed a suspension.  Sometimes I think this league is going to hell with some of these decisions…

5.  Joey Barton is a fashion statement – the man is “walking art” (evidenced by assortment of pictures in this article).  He is so far ahead of the trends, most people just take it for eccentricity, but *I* know better.  Stylish mustaches, avant-guard haircuts, low-cut shorts… and, let’s face it folks:  the man looks way better in hoops than he does in stripes.  Huh?  Am I right?  Hmmm?  Come on, London, stop playing second fiddle to your neighbor across the pond and lead the fashion industry!

4.  Joey Barton must dethrone Neil Warnock as “most obnoxious guy in the league” – to say the QPR manager is socially awkward is a massive understatement.  He is largely unpleasant with his words, and we all know words are overrated.  Joey Barton doesn’t have that problem, because Joey Barton talks with his fists.  Having J. B. on the team will take the spotlight off Warnock, and the whole squad will benefit in the long run.  By the way, “J. B.” stands for “Jail Bird”.

3.  Joey Barton will prevent new boys QPR from being pushed around – who better than Joey freaking Barton to stand up to the tyranny of the referees, and the inequities of this league?  This is a guy who is not afraid to shout at the officials when his team is unjustly treated on the pitch.  He may even shove one or two of them and get away with it, ‘cause hey – reason number 6; you don’t wanna be the guy that derails this young man’s progress, do ya?

2.  Joey Barton can be violent, but London is a violent place – the latest riots highlight just how rough and tough the mean streets of London have become.  One must be schooled in the arts of ass-kicking and general rough-housing if one is to survive in this town.  Joey Barton has a chain belt in these techniques!  He’s the kind of guy you need to have beside you at the London nightclubs, or you might not make it back home alive!

And the number 1 reason this is the EPL season’s greatest transfer is:

1.  Joey Barton is actually really good at playing football – I already liked QPR’s chances of scoring a mid-table slot at the end of the season prior to this move, and with Joey Barton in the mix, my prediction is looking better than ever.  This guy is in his prime – he is experienced, strong, has great vision, and can pass the ball like few in the business.  Sure, you can count on him getting a few yellow and/or red cards this season, and maybe even the odd three-game suspension by the FA.  But look on the bright side: when he comes back from that time off, he’ll be fresh and commanding that midfield like a boss.

And so it begins…

Famous Football Quote of the Day:

“Won’t be a problem finding Joey a home.”
– Joey Barton, footballer, martial artist, philosopher

The Prima Donnas of Football At Their Best – The Professional Foul Report

Gameweek 2 is in the bag in England, and the usual boneheads have given the rest of us plenty to talk about, folks:

Wasted substitution: Roberto Mancini tries to appease the South American Gods by bringing Carlos Tevez into the match against a tough Bolton side while holding onto a 1 goal lead with 23 minutes left in the match.  The result was… unremarkable.  The Italian may have convinced Tevez of his importance, but the rest of the world didn’t give a rat’s ass.

Damaged Goods – AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi has rejected a move for Mario Balotelli.  Apparently, Italians have learned of Balotelli’s antics, and want nothing to do with him.  On a related note, somewhere in the PETA back office, a tree hugger issues a statement that large parrots make terrible pets because they have the brain of a 5-year old and require constant attention.  If their needs are not met, “they revert to wild behavior” and “can act like 2-year olds for up to 50 years.”  Yeah…

Penalty – Wenger was suspended by UEFA for two matches for communicating with his team while suspended in the last match.  The gambler always doubles-down.  And the house always wins – especially when the casino is being run by the mob (yes, this is definitely a dig at Sepp Blatter).  By December, Arsene Wenger will have accumulated enough suspensions for the rest of his career.

Lost Cause – Samir Nasri wants to leave Arsenal.  Manchester City want to buy Samir Nasri.  Arsenal can’t hold onto Samir Nasri because Samir Nasri is a human with a brain, and knows there’s a gaping hole below this ship’s deck.  Samir Nasri’s agents want to collect obscene amounts of money they’re not entitled to from this deal.  This Wednesday, in Italy, a bunch of gladiators from Udinese are digging in as they await a sort of invasion by a bunch of Brits led by a headless, hopeless Gaul.  In a desperate act, the Gaul throws Samir Nasri to the lions.  The coliseum goes wild!  The Italians win the battle, and poor Samir Nasri gets sold for mere scraps to a Scottish tactician in red who doesn’t really need any more good fighters for his European battles.

Off the Field Trouble in Paradise – What in the blue blazes is going on in the red devil locker room?  The growing tension on the pitch in the last few months between Wayne Rooney and Nani came to a head today, in the match against Spurs.  With a wide open lane to goal, Nani puts a pass outside Lil’ Wayne’s reach, and the English transplant recipient (snickers) throws his arms in the air in disgust, shouts some bad words at the Portuguese whipping boy, then points his finger at his head as if to question Nani’s mental state. Then, he gives him some useful advice like “don’t suffocate”, or something like that.  I’m not an expert lip reader though.

These are some of the highlights of what this past week had to offer us in terms of class, subtlety, selflessness and intelligence.

Tune in next week for another edition of the Professional Foul Report!

The Professional Foul Report is a weekly publication where some of the more outrageous events of the weekend are discussed.  Typically, these are bonehead-type actions by players and managers, but which are essential for us fans – without their doughheadedness, there surely would be less enjoyment by us, the fans.

Editor note: Expect more low-quality shots like these in future Professional Foul Reports.  What these photos lack in clarity, they make up for in emotion – as I watch all the important matches, any and all moments that capture my breath are recorded for prosperity with my trusty BlackBerry camera.

 Editor note My brother complained about the 2nd part of the Nasri post above.  I emailed him with a translation, and told him to take some history lessons about our ancestors, the Romans!  Anyways, here it is:  “This Wednesday, in Italy (champions league second leg), a bunch of gladiators from Udinese are digging in as they await a sort of invasion by a bunch of Brits(Arsenal)led by a headless, hopeless Gaul(Frenchman)In a desperate act, the Gaul throws Samir Nasri to the lions(plays him in the European match, which makes him ineligible to play for anyone else in Europe this season). The coliseum goes wild!  The Italians win the battle, and poor Samir Nasri gets sold for mere scraps to a Scottish tactician in red(SAF)who doesn’t really need any more good fighters for his European battles. (Don’t need him in Europe – only in EPL)


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